I’ve been reading one of the books of LR Knost on gentle parenting, entitled “Two Thousand Kisses A Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages.” It’s an enlightening read. It makes me reflect on what kind of parent I want to be.
Growing up, I feared my father. Even when I went away for college, I still feared him. Don’t get me wrong. I love my dad. But I was also afraid of him. I was afraid of what he would say/think/do when he’d find out I flunked a class or drank myself silly on a school night or got a boyfriend. All those things I kept from him while I was in college. To this day, seven years after college, I haven’t told him that. Because I was afraid. (Well, my sister drunkenly told him I had a boyfriend about a year after graduating haha!)
Reflecting on my childhood, I realized that I may have chosen one thing over another because I was afraid my dad would think less of me or reprimand me. I didn’t grow up coming to him for advice or for comfort when I did something wrong or made the wrong decision. Because I was afraid of him.
I know that he did what he thought was best at that time. Every parent does. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have this strict attention to detail which helps me now in my line of work.
But I guess it’s that fear that I want to get rid of when it’s my turn to do the parenting. When the time comes, I want to be the first person that my child wants to confide in, regardless if it’s something that will disappoint or hurt me. I want my child to know and feel that she can come to me and her papa to talk about anything.
With enough reflection and a better sense of self, I hope to be that parent.