Of bad days

I’ve always been moody, impatient and easily gets irritated especially when I’m tired and/or hungry and/or frustrated. After giving birth, it feels like my moodiness tripled. It feels like I got on a seesaw with Obligations sitting on the other end and we’re fighting each other to take control.

When I’m very productive at home and at work, I feel so great. I feel like I’m Superwoman who conquered every foe. My feet are on the ground and I have perfect control of Obligations.

And with a snap, my feet leave the ground and I’m up on the seesaw looking down on Obligations who’s heartily laughing and making fun of me. I can’t get my bearings. I can’t get my feet back on the ground and take control. Every little thing seems like an attack on me and my skills. A joke suddenly becomes a snide remark on my parenting. A long list of tasks suddenly feels like they’re setting me up to fail.

Suddenly, I don’t want to do anything even though I know there are things to do. I don’t want to go out. I’m impatient and scream at the crying baby. I ignore my husband and just sulk. Or, worse, take out my frustrations and stress on him. I begin doubting what I can do, and oftentimes believe that I’m worthless.

Just as sudden as I lose control, I’m able to push and get my feet back on the ground. I’m productive once again, Obligations conquered. It lasts a few days, sometimes weeks, a month or maybe more. But it’s only a matter of time until I lose control again. When I get the chance to reflect on it, I think – Maybe I’m just tired, not enough sleep after nursing my baby all night. Maybe this parenting thing is getting to me; after all, I’m a first-time mom.

I read this article about post-partum depression. And I saw this photo in Facebook, which tries to explain anxiety and depression to someone who’s not going through it. They make me contemplate if I should see a therapist. I don’t want to take any medication for this, though. And I know I can talk to my husband about anything (I just need to find the courage to talk about my feelings. That’s another thing that keeps me up on the seesaw, my inability to communicate when I know that I should). Maybe a professional can effectively help me deal with whatever is keeping me on that seesaw.

The negative feelings come and go. There are days when I can confidently say I’m doing great. But when I’m contemplating on seeing a therapist, does that mean I actually need to see one?

I wonder how much it would cost. It might add to my worries.



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